Running from Fear

Saturday a woman was attacked near one of my favorite running spots.  Thankfully, she wasn’t seriously hurt.  But the attacker took something from her.  I can’t imagine how long she will struggle to go running by herself again.  It turns out, the attacker took something from me, too.  He stole my favorite run of the week.  There’s something that I really love about my Sunday morning runs.  I can get up as early as I want to go as far as I want before hopping in the shower to get ready for church.  I don’t have to worry about being in the way while Clay gets ready, and I don’t have to worry about getting the kids to the bus stop.  Everything is quiet on Sunday mornings.  My house, the streets, the trail.  I’ve seen deer, foxes, bunches of bunnies, and the occasional cyclist.  There is one older gentleman who runs every Sunday morning, too, and no matter how far I’ve run, we always pass at just about the same spot, when I’m about to get off the trail, to head through the neighborhood back to my house. He was there every Sunday morning when that was my weekly 6 mile run as I prepared for a race a year and a half ago, and as my mileage dropped after that race, I’d still pass him in the same area.  Last Sunday, I only managed to run two miles, but they were strong, and it was so reassuring to pass him again.  I imagine he’s been there every Sunday morning the past few months, when chemo and surgery managed to convince me to forgo my favorite run.  I wonder what he thought as we passed last week—did he ever even notice that we used to pass every week?  Did he notice that it had been a while?

Did he notice that I wasn’t there this Sunday morning?  That attacker took my favorite run from me this week.  Instead of heading to the familiar peace of the trail yesterday morning, I decided to stick to the neighborhood roads. Man, my neighborhood is hilly!  Even though it was daylight, I took my flashlight, which I affectionately call my face shredder, just to be extra safe.  (A friend in law enforcement suggested I get one—his best bet for personal security.) Really, I should be so thankful that I have such a nice place to run—lovely homes, well cared for sidewalks, friendly neighbors.  But still, my ability to make my own choice was taken from me, and that made me angry.  When I was running during chemo, I used to imagine what I’d say if someone approached me while running, made me feel threatened.  (I should say that I run in a very safe place, but still the mind wanders…)  I used to imagine how empowering it would be to rip off my hat and tell someone that I was on chemo—stronger than cancer, stronger than them.  And if that didn’t work, I’d threaten to spit on them—the chemo nurse made sure that we knew that our saliva was toxic for a day or two after treatment!  Yesterday as I ran, I was thinking how mad I was to have made it this far, past cancer, past chemo, past surgery, only to have my run thwarted because my safety was threatened.

Last night, I finally managed to figure out from some small news items that the place the woman was attacked wasn’t actually on my trail.  There is a whole series of trails around us, and the one she was on was more isolated and close to a road to allow an attacker to flee. I wasn’t going to stay away forever, but I guess that means I’ll head back out on the trails for my very next run.  I’ve never been one to let fear rule the choices I make, but perhaps I’ll start taking my face shredder, even when it’s not dark.  And while I’m sure it’s probably the wise decision, feeling it in my hand will only remind me of why I need it, and that just makes me a little bit sad.  But if I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that I’m stronger than fear, and so I’ll keep on running.

Little Rewards

I’m a big fan of rewarding myself—I’ll frequently set little goals with little rewards for completion.  When I was trying to get into the habit of running, I didn’t really have any running gear, so my first real running clothes weren’t purchased until I’d run three times a week for six weeks straight.  Things like weekly mileage or a longer “long run” earned me more. A couple of weeks before my surgery, Sally and I stopped in Zoe Boutique after our run.  Our friend, Susan, owns the shop, and we’ve become friends with the manager, Tara, too, so we love stopping in anytime we’re in the neighborhood.  They were getting ready for the annual Old Town Warehouse Sale, and looking through the racks they were preparing to take along, I saw it.  My mastectomy reward.

One of the lesser know “perks” of reconstruction is the ability to wear backless or sheer-backed tops without worrying about pesky straps.  I would never have considered this lovely blue Alice and Trixie top before, but I decided to try it on.  I loved it, and I bought it.  Because I could.  I was excited to wear it last week when Sally took some photos of me, and since we were using Zoe Boutique as our “home base” while we took pictures around Old Town, we decided to do a few outside our favorite old town shop!

Photography by Sally Brewer Photography

Lipstick: Funny Face by Nars

Missing Cancer | The Bald Head

Glamorous, I know.  The week before surgery I ended up with pink eye, so on top of the bald head, I had to wear my glasses.  A post-run shopping outing with a toddler on my back?  I couldn’t have felt less fabulous.  But how could you not smile at this scene?  And I love all those smiles!  Babies and really little kiddos were a little afraid of me at first, and elementary kids tended to stare for a while, and I can’t blame them for that.  But as soon as I’d smile and act normal, they got over it.  Thankfully, I never felt like I got too many pity-filled glances from adults.  But what I loved—the young adults who told me I could really rock a bald head, and the old ladies—they were the best.  I’m betting many of them saw themselves or their friends in the first glimpse of my bald head and smiled to encourage me.  Little old ladies love a bald girl, but it turns out they’re a little less enthusiastic when they’re trying to figure out if I’m growing out my post-chemo hair or if I'm sporting a lesbian-chic look!  I don’t get nearly as much old lady love now that I’ve got enough hair to put product in!  (And speaking of hair, Sally and I went on a photo session/adventure yesterday, I’ll be sure to post some pics of my sleek new ‘do when she passes them along!)

This is the first in a series of what I’ll miss from my time as a cancer patient.  I know cancer is a serious thing, not everyone tolerates treatment well, and not everyone recovers.  I don’t mean to offend by making light of a serious subject.  These posts are just a glimpse of my efforts to make the best of my situation—to find the silver linings wherever I can.

Back in the Game

Six weeks past surgery and I got the official go ahead—and I didn’t waste any time heading out for my first run.  Sally and I met up in Old Town and ran along the river.  I don’t know that either of us realized how much we’d missed that time until we started running.  Meeting at least weekly during chemo to run was so much fun, we caught up on a lot of things and solved lots of the world’s problems.  We weren’t fast—but ran the first mile pretty hard before taking a break to walk.  After we finished our four miles and stopped at Starbucks, I could already feel my legs getting sore.  But it’s a great sore.  In the immortal words of Sally, I’m back in the game y’all.  “Cancer can suck it.”

Morning Coffee

I’ll keep this brief, but surgery went well.  A note of caution, if your surgery is not the first one of the day, expect some delays!  We started late and it took a bit longer than usual, so I wasn’t awake and in a room until 10pm!  Just as well, though, as I was starving and they wouldn’t let me eat until morning.  I’ll do more of a recap later perhaps, and I will definitely include some must haves from my packing list.  There are a few things I’m so glad I brought along!

While Clay was getting the kids ready and off to school, Sally stopped by with coffee and treats.  And you know we couldn’t let such a monumental visit pass without snapping a quick pic!  After having pink eye last week, I was so happy to get my contacts back in and be able to wear eye makeup that my mascara was on as soon as the sun came up!

(For those inquiring minds, the marks on my collarbone there are not incisions!  The plastic surgeon was very precise in his marking procedure, and those lines were landmarks from which he took many pre-surgical measurements.)

Covering a lot of Ground

I’m definitely running as far, as frequently, or as quickly as I would be without chemo.  But Sally and I have been making it a point to meet up at least once a week to run together.  We’re a good pair—she’s got a two year old in stroller slowing her down, so we’re always so relieved when the other wants a walk break!  It was so uncharacteristically warm today, the perfect day for a run.  The other great thing about running with a stroller (or a friend with a stroller, that is) is that I can shed gloves, my jacket, even my hat when it gets too warm.  And while I don’t carry it along with me in the stroller, I did still put on some lipstick before leaving it in the car.  If I’m going to be bald, I want to look healthy and bald.  (The Dior Lip Addict my mom gave me for Christmas is just the perfect amount of natural color.)  Running along the Mt. Vernon trail is always lovely, but Sally and I have some fun chats when we’re together.  You can cover a lot of ground—figuratively and literally—in an hour on the trails.

Race Report

What a great day—today’s race will definitely go down as one of my favorite runs ever.  We arrived early enough that Emma Clare could decorate my head before we joined the rest of the girls from Tuckahoe.  We sat in the comfort of our warm car and she busted out the washable markers and emblazoned my head with the Girls on the Run logo. 

We had fun with friends before the race.  It was a cool morning to stand around, but perfect weather for running.  We had a good race—we ran the whole time and I only had to slow her down a couple of times. Better yet, we finished strong and could have run another mile!  We both worked hard and I couldn’t be prouder.

My Prayer

I've said it before, but it really is overwhelming knowing so many are praying for me. I have to say, though, I've struggled at how to really pray for myself. I took solace in the passage from the Bible that talks about how the Holy Spirit prays on our behalf when we don't know the words.

But on my run Sunday morning, I had time to really be by myself and think. I needed to know what to pray. And it occurred to me that God made my body, and he knew what it would need to go through. I have this cancer, and I have to go through the treatment. That will not change. So my prayer is that God will make my body strong. Strong enough to withstand these treatments with good health and a good attitude.

And so I've decided not to worry so much about the fact that I still feel pretty well. It seems wrong to be almost done with the second "bad" day still feeling ok. I'm going to enjoy my good days, knowing that the chemo is doing its job, and that God is making my body strong to withstand it longer than anyone expects.

Me and Lance.

So it turns out that I now have a couple of things in common with famous, or should I say notorious, athlete, Lance Armstrong. Cancer diagnosis as a young adult and a love of performance enhancing drugs.

I'm a little bummed, today is my first day without steroids. Yes, there are side effects that make it undesirable to take them long term. But this weekend, even after getting all those nasty chemo meds, I felt good-- great, even. Yesterday I rocked out my 5k-- well, I ran the whole thing, at least. I feel pretty sure that I'll make it to the Girls on the Run race in two weeks, but I don't think I'll earn any first place prize that will have to be stripped from me later. And the steroids cause me to be a little flush, like I've been in the sun or just finished a good workout, which Sally said was perfect for family photos yesterday. I'll share a few of those here later on, they turned out great!

So today I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm running a couple of quick errands this morning and then I'll be ready to hibernate for a few days if I need to.